Battles

Why do I keep doing things I don't want to do? I guess everyone has that one vice that is always pulling them down. The really sad part is that I'm completely aware of the pattern, but choose not to break it. Every time I rediscover the path I begin to dabble in that same struggle, just stepping to the side of the path occasionally, until I'm almost caught fast in the soft muddy shoulder. It amazes me how close the sludge is to the firm track. Then I begin the trudge out of the mud and back on the right course. This is different than those times when the right direction is difficult to see. On these side trips I can always see the correct course that I'm veering away from. I'm not lost I'm straying! Well, I'm trying to break the cycle. I've trudged back on course and am changing habits AGAIN to stay focused on the right bearing. "Know your enemy" is a popular saying, but you must also be aware that the enemy knows you and has a large arsenal to launch to keep you off course and out of the fight. He is fully aware of the fact that his war is lost, so he'll be satisfied with winning as many battles as possible. I'm not defeated! I've regrouped and am ready to rejoin the fight, scars and all!

Where to Next?

Disgruntle is the best word to use about my attitude at work lately. I was finally in the position and location that I've been working to achieve over the past few years (yes, years). Then out of the blue, I mean completely and totally unexpected, I get transferred to a new location. Still doing the same job, but in a place that is less active. Okay, disgruntle does not cover it, My piss was boiling! I had a great crew that knew their jobs and did them. I loved the location. I craved the action. I was happy, finally. Then the axe fell. Ouch! The salt in the wound was the fact that the person taking my place was there to get experience. He had been doing this job for approx. 2 years longer than me, but had little to show for it. So, because he was not producing the higher-ups decided to motivate him a little and help him further his career. I'm getting it done, he's not, and I get punished! I got the whole this is the best move for the dept. speech. WHATEVER! Anyway, I say all this to let you know I've been a real grouch lately. Had myself a real pity party. Then, a couple of days into the new location, I'm talking with one of the guys and we get on the subject of religion. We literally talked for hours. Things like which one is right, who's going to heaven, and why. It was great. He even stressed several times just how interested he was in all this stuff. Well sometimes I'm a little slow but I do usually get it eventually. This whole time I've been focused on ME, and didn't see the opportunities before me. The one's that really matter! I posted earlier about my true passion and how I wasn't sure the path that it would take me on but that I wanted to be a true disciple and follower of Christ and help others along the path. My focus was too low. The one Higher-up was giving me exactly what I was asking for and pretty quickly to boot. No years waiting on this one, and I was too busy wallowing in self to see it initially. Yeah, I know. I'm an idiot sometimes, but like I said I do eventually get it. I'm happy again! This actually goes beyond the warm and fuzzy happy feeling and into joy. If you've ever experienced true joy then you know the difference between feeling happy and experiencing joy. The satisfaction that comes from knowing you are doing exactly what you were meant to do in the exact location that you were meant to do it. The path to Christ may be straight and narrow, but once you meet him there it sure does get to be winding, twisting, difficult to see, and down right laboring in areas. In one word, EXCITING! I wouldn't have it any other way if I could. If you see a guy who's looks like he's wondering around unsure of where he's going, It's probably me following His lead. WHAT AN ADVENTURE!

Intentions

An acquaintance of mine was killed in a car wreck last night. I didn't know him very well and had only spoken to him in passing. He was a young man not much older than me with a family. I've heard that he had some "plans" to help make a difference in peoples lives. I don't know what those plans were, but others do and I could find out if I so wanted. Anyway I say all of this because it made me start to think about what my "legacy" would be if I was the one killed in a car wreck? What would others say about me after the funeral (only positive thoughts are given at the funeral)? Would it be that I was a nice guy that got along with everyone and didn't cause too many waves? Yuk!! Don't get me wrong I want to get along with as many people as possible, but leaders always cause waves. Just like the bow of a boat creates an ever increasing wake as it moves forward. Will I be remembered as the guy with great intentions (a dreamer) with no follow through? I think so. If I were dead in the next instant I think that is my legacy. Intentions are great, dreams are too, but ACTION counts. Action requires courage and faith. Maybe that's why I don't want to be the dreamer without action-it's a sign of cowardice! I am many things, but a coward I am not, and I don't want my legacy to indicate, on any level, to the contrary. I hope I have enough time left to prove my case! If not, know that I am working towards action. I don't have it all figured out yet, but I'm trying.

Passion

I've been misleading a co-worker lately. Not completely but not completely honest either. We've both been discussing the fact that we have no passions in our lives. How we really just don't care much about anything. I'm not into sports because I just can't bring myself to care about a "game". I'm not into politics because it appears to be self serving, maybe not in the beginning but always in the end. So many "passions" seem to be about convincing people to think like you think for the purpose of self validation. Well, I actually like me and don't need outside approval to feel good. Of course it's nice to get, but I don't crave that justification. Even when it comes to the Christian faith it seems that so many people's spreading of the good news is more about convincing others to be and think the same as them. They miss the point and it makes me question if they have truly surrendered their life to the Lord. Jesus convinced many to follow Him, but it was for their own good not His. Today's Christians seem to be trying harder to earn a better standing for themselves than truly concerned for those that haven't experienced the love of Christ. What really breaks my heart is the fact that many of them don't even realize how selfish and self serving their Christian walk is. My passion is to help others along the path of truly following Christ. Whether they are on the path and slightly misguided or in the waste lands that surround the path does not matter to me. I want to do what I've be commanded to do. Go and make disciples, not converts, but disciples. Disciples of Christ who understand and can't contain the love that can only come for Him. That is my passion. I don't yet know the exact medium I will use for this, but I know it doesn't matter because I can do this on a daily basis just by walking the path. I don't need to know where the path is taking me because it only goes in the right direction.

On The Edge

I have friends who are trying to truly follow the Lord and are living on the "edge" with their faith. They are letting go of all the trappings of "religion" and just LIVING IT (the Christian life). Now some in the "church" we attend are making all kinds of accusations against them...from they're trying to steal members and start a home church to they're tithing to a former children's minister. It's all untrue and just proves to me how many "Christians" really don't get it. They think attendance and involvement in programs is the key. They don't ever seem to realize Jesus himself was on the outside of religion when he walked this earth. My friends are now experiencing what so many others have...HURT!!! And from those that are supposed to be supporting them. It breaks my heart. I know they'll survive and come out stronger, it's just sucks that the resistance is coming from friendlies. We have some guarantees when we follow Christ, one of which is that it will not be easy.

Exsisting

I know I'm not very much fun to be around these days. My wife must really love me! I knew I had too much going on in my life so I made some changes to slow down. Now all I do is sit around and wonder what the hell I needed all this time for. I exsist. nothing more, nothing less. Mr. Mellancamp must have known what I'm feeling when he sang, "life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone." I really want to find joy in life's little pleasures, and I'm fully aware of all the blessings I have in my life, but I just have this desire to live a life of adventure with purpose. I want to be satisfied but for some reason satisfaction eludes me. My wife says I have a wandering spirit. Maybe... I just wish I knew where it was wandering to.

OUT!!!

I've taken the first step to recovery by admitting that I know who and what I am. I'm a card toting member of the club. I've chosen to quit fooling myself like so many others and make it official. I AM A POSSESSION SLAVE! There it's out! I know all my fears revolve around one central theme... I'm afraid of losing what I've got. I'm sure that on some level this makes me a coward which is not what I want to be, so I'm trying this blogging thing to see if it can help me focus on who I really want to be. I'm not "at war" with possessions I just don't want them to be my focus any more. That is such a selfish mentality. I want to get off myself and start following my Lord by simply "spreadin' the love". That's what He did and it was much more effective than any modern outreach strategy that I've experienced. I'm sure I'll post other thoughts, rants, and feelings but the personal growth is what I am seeking.